Christina Reviews *Forever...* by Judy Blume

        Forever... is about Katherine's and Michael's first time.  It will make you look at sex in an open and honest way.  And it will make you realize that maybe celibacy isn't such a bad idea after all.

         I have never considered Judy Blume to be a literary genius.  But that’s not to say that she isn’t good at what she does well---and that is writing thinly-disguised sex pamphlets for young girls.

        With Forever…, Blume reaches the pinnacle of such success.  This is her Moby Dick of sex pamphlet writing, if you will.

        What are the requirements of writing a good sex pamphlet "novel"? 

         1. The characters must not have more dimension to them than that of a sheet of paper.  The more dimensions you give the characters, the less likely it is that the book will work.  After all, you don’t want anyone to take your sex pamphlet for literature.

        2.  A plot is not necessary.  A plot will just take attention away from all of the sex.

        3.  The sex scenes must be mechanical and about as erotic as an ape in heat.  After all, you’re not trying to encourage kids to have sex.  You’re just trying to tell them that if they ever so much as want to think about sex again after reading this book, God bless them.

       4. If you keep the aforementioned rules in mind, you are well on your way to writing the masterpiece of all masterpieces in sex pamphlet history.  Now all you need is an ironic title and a bittersweet ending where the young lovers are taken down a peg for even daring to think that they, alone, could beat the odds. 

       I can just imagine Judy Blume fighting the publishing house on this one.  Her editor probably said to her, “Yeah, it’s good and all.   But gee whiz, Judy, couldn’t the girl get pregnant or something?  At the very least, could she be infected with a raging case of herpes just to show that teen lust doesn't escape the wrath of an omnipotent God?”

       To which Blume probably responded, “Herpes!  My character can’t get herpes.  She went to Planned Parenthood, for crying out loud!  Remember that scene?  That was one of the major plot points in that whole damned novel!  But I'll tell you what I will do."

       Hence the scene near the end where the protagonist learns the error of her ways and the hollow echo chamber that is the word "Forever..."

       Ha ha ha.

       Censors: 0

       Judy Blume: ...

       D'oh.

       To be fair, Blume did put in those final two pages where Katherine claims that she feels no regret.   Nice to know she can go through what she did in the end and feel nothing.  I'm glad to see Judy Blume decided to keep the character consistent by refusing to give in to peer pressure and make her three-dimensional. 

        You know, I've been very hard on Judy Blume.  I'm sure this was a very important sex pamphlet for its time.  She wrote this book so that there would be a story out there where two kids have sex and neither of them have to die a horrible, painful death as a result.  And you know, I empathize with her goal.   I can appreciate the fact that Judy Blume wanted to debunk the myth that teen sex equals immediate death.  That sounds like a sensible myth to bust.

       She wrote this book because her teen daughter asked her to do so.  And you know what?  I've come to realize that, no matter what side of the fence you stand on, we all have the same goal deep down---to scare kids off of sex.  Liberal mothers like Judy Blume are just more passive agressive about it. 

         OK, honey.  You can have sex if you want.  But you'll have to go to Planned Parenthood first in order to get birth control.  And they'll make you endure this uncomfortable exam where the doctor treats you like a slab of beef.  And when you have sex for the first time, it will suck.  But this is completely normal.  And your boyfriend will probably come before he's supposed to.  And eventually it will get better and you'll start making the same kinds of noises that your mother makes.  And in the end, you'll break up with the guy and find someone else.  And you'll hear your mother's voice call out to you, "Honey.  [Insert name of new boyfriend] called."  And you'll know that your mother was right all along.   Oh, but I forgot to add that it's all right because you won't feel any regret.  Everything you went through---everything I just described to you--- was a very special experience and you'll remember it forever...  And just to show you how open-minded I really am, I will write a book about everything I just told you and I will dedicate it to you so that everyone in the world will know that I am very involved in and supportive of your potential sex life.  Have fun, honey! 

         Did Judy Blume have an ulterior motive here? Or was it a subconscious sabotage on her part?  Authorial intent can never be known.  Unless we're talking about J.K. Rowlings.

        By the way, I've noticed that Judy Blume doesn't write much anymore. Does that mean that, as a society, we've advanced beyond what she has to offer :).

        Save Planned Parenthood.  De-fund Judy Blume!

         I give this book two stars.